Feeding the Tigress
Waves of discontent roil in the recesses of my mind. I am having difficulty reining in the wildness. My companion yidam (archetypal image and mantra) is helping—but it only takes the edge off my misdirected thoughts. This experience is precipitated by dealing with the HOA powers that be in our neighborhood. Nothing wrong with them, they are just doing what they believe to be their job. Unfortunately, like all highly corporate organizations, they default to rules over compassion—driven by fear of litigation.They are not to blame for my anxiety; that is something else entirely.
With all the spiritual work I have done over the course of my life, I still manage to get triggered. My core fixation sits in the background waiting to pounce in an opportune moment. This is what is going on now as I work to harness the wild being in my mind by placing it upon the back of a snarling bengal tigress. She is the ground of my thoughts, or rather, she seeks to ground my thoughts. She calls my strength and courage to surface because she has just given birth and is hungry to devour anything in the way of her need for sustenance. She must regain her vigor so she can hunt and suckle her young.
So, my wild thoughts become her food. I make them an offering to benefit her and her cubs—and all beings who are suffering the miasma of anger. This helps even more to smooth my ruffled feathers. I know this drama is my conditioned mind struggling to surrender its conditions. Ouch! So much for settling the mind. But it is getting there. Everything takes the time it takes. I am grateful for the tools I have received to address the situation.
As the waves of afflictive emotions subside, I feel drained of energy but refreshed at the same time. I remember my root teacher saying with a smile, “Oh, Michael, you are just purifying.” Even when we are carried away by emotional storms, we can experience a spiritual reset as long as we do not act out of those storms. Maintaining our inner motivation to act compassionately, bodhicitta intention will buoy us upon the crest of the roiling waves and use them to deepen our spiritual commitment. We experience a purification that clears our vision.